Being nice to the lonely girl

I'm a nice guy, lets not beat around the bush here. However, sometime, without perhaps realising it  I'm the architect of my own downfall. this story all started when I spoke to a girl over a breakfast table at a convention, if I'm being perfectly honest I didn't particularly feel like speaking to anyone that day, but she seemed a bit lonely so I struck up a conversation, which lasted well probably no more than 5 or 6 minutes at the very most.
Then she asked the question, "can I add you on Facebook??"  and I was like, "sure". Anyway, about 10 minutes later I checked my phone and sure enough I had a friend request from her, that was quick!. I accepted the request and logged onto Facebook later that day and had a fair few notifications, it's always nice when that happens isn't it? I thought I had suddenly become Mr popular. But no...the half dozen or so notifications were all from her, okay, not really a big deal .I guess most people do a bit of 'investigating' when they meet someone new, I didn't think too much more on the matter. I had a few days of her 'liking' every single bit of FB activity I was involved with and commenting on more photos than I even thought I had. Then all of a sudden it seemed to just stop.

A few months passed and I had completely forgotten about her, then a few weeks ago there was a convention, infact it was the same location where we had met last year, all of a sudden she was back on the scene "Are you coming to the convention?" she asked on FB chat 'i'm not sure, i may be at some of it but i have my x factor audition, so we'll have to see" I responded.
The next day she popped up again on FB chat. The conversation went something like this...
"are you coming to the convention?"
"I DON'T KNOW YET"
" why don't you know?"
" IT DEPENDS ON WHAT HAPPENS WITH THE X FACTOR"
" I really want you to come so I can give you a kiss!!"
"ER, PARDON?"
"can I have your phone number?"

*now this is the point where I went wrong, I must have been insane in the membrane but I gave her my number

"THERE YOU GO!, ANYWAY, I HAVE TO GO NOW! BYE!" I said trying to end the conversation as quickly as possible.

Then I went for a bath. When I got out of the bath maybe around 15 minutes later I checked my phone, TWELVE TEXTS!! yes TWELVE texts... "hi how are you?" "is everything okay babes?" "what you up to now?" "why haven't you texted back?" "text back" "I haven't offended you have I?" "what you doing later?"

*at this point I knew that I had a very serious problem.

I logged back onto FB chat, I had literally put the last digit of my password in, and there she was, chatting to me!! "hi, how are u? I have something i want to tell you, I really really like you!! there!! I've said it!!!"
I think at this point I quickly changed the subject. I simply just didn't feel the same way, I didn't find her attractive, but even if I did, well this type of behaviour really puts me off!!
Obviously she is lonely, and had very little experience about how to win a man, or even how to speak to anyone, but this was pretty extreme.
On the Sunday I had a nap which lasted about 2 hours, I awoke to 3 missed calls and a voice message from her. As soon as I listened to the voice message I received a call on withheld number! I don't normally answer unless I know who is calling, but this time I did. Yes, you guessed right, it was her, full marks for persistence on her part I must say. I finally got rid of her on the phone, literally 10 seconds after I hung up I received a text "you have a really nice voice, I want to kiss you and hug you" . I didn't respond.
In fact from then on I didn't respond at all to anything, so she tried a new tactic...she sent me a birthday card with money in! you've heard of the song 'money cant buy you love' well she had obviously not listened to it, then again, she is deaf, so that's hardly a surprise (was that too harsh?) I felt like I had to had to acknowledge in a text that I had received it, so I said something along the lines of, "thanks for the card but you really didn't have to".After I had thought more on the situation, I was troubled!! HOW THE BLOODY HELL DID SHE GET MY ADDRESS???
I needed to do something to make it clear that I really wasn't interested.. I thought all night on how best to deal with it without breaking her heart. I sent her a text the next morning which I thought was really nice but she took it really really badly, and I received a barrage of texts and missed calls all day. "why does everyone hate me?" she said, "you are the second person to break my heart" I felt bad, but really, I didn't lead her on, I didn't give her any reason to suggest that I was remotely interested. You would have thought that would be the end of it, but no...I have since received an Easter card (I didn't even know they existed) and a postcard. I then deleted her from Facebook thinking maybe that she would get the message, within the hour she tried to re-add me. I don't know about you but if someone deleted me I wouldn't make a desperate attempt to add them back. Now, I know I shouldn't have done this, but I accepted her request (I'm just too nice) and she became my FB friend once more.The stalking took on a new level, comments, likes, wall posts, you name it, she was on it. I then told her that I had got a girlfriend, this still hasn't deterred her. So there we go,that's the latest, but I know there will be more to come...

The morale of the story is, don't speak to the lonely social reject over the breakfast table because you will never have a moments peace in your life from that moment onwards, take note people.

"That bird is trying to kill my mother in law!!"

There was a robin in our warehouse at work, and it had been there for quite a while. It couldn't be caught or tempted outside into the big wide world, so a bird of prey was needed to chase and frighten the robin outside. I'm not sure if the bird used was an eagle but it resembled one. After a few hours of shelf stacking I had completely forgotten about this situation, that was until one of my colleagues appeared quite hysterical and was running around sobbing her heart out and shouting "that bird is trying to kill my mother in law!!" I assumed I had misheard her, and then she asked me to stop this from happening. well I didn't know what to think, how would I be able to fight a bird? and where is this mother in law??. I couldn't get any sense out of her, but finally she told me that her mother in law had told her on her deathbed that she would come back as a robin. :S

Garlic bread??

I was asked the other day if we sold some garlic bread without any garlic in, I took a step back and tried to figure out what this morbidly obese woman could mean, after doubting my own sanity I replied, "you mean normal bread?" she said, '
"no...garlic bread, with no garlic in", I was perplexed, so I asked her to describe it to me, "I'm not sure what it looks like, but it has bacon and cheese in" now I was really confused, "are you sure its actually bread?" I responded, She went on... "it might not be bread, in fact I think it might be a microwavable burger".At this point I made the decision to look for another job :S garlic bread? microwavable burger, yeah obviously the same thing.

Gormlessness

I've often been guilty of slagging off the British general public, and after what amounts to over 5 years of working to serve them through a string of retail jobs I think I have every right to be fearful for the future of the human race, the gormlessness (if that's a word) I experience knows no bounds and just when I feel that the pinnacle of gormlessness has been reached, something will happen which will totally eclipse it, volumes upon volumes could be written on the subject but I'm going to give one example that has happened just recently.

An obese middle aged woman had the fridge door open and her hand was on the pineapple juice, she asked, 'why is there no pineapple juice?' to which i responded, 'you have your hand on it' to which she replied quite sharply, 'no, thats apple juice' in a desperate attempt to convince her, I told her 'look, theres a picture of a pineapple on it' she then took hold of the juice, held it up to the light and then said 'if you say so' as she sheepishly walked over to the tea bags.